Skip to content

[...::Tabula Rasa::...]

I leave next Friday, and strangely, whatever excitement and apprehension I’ve been feeling up until this point has abated. Indefinitely, I am embracing this huge move as a chance to start fresh, without the trappings of past quarrels and judgments laid at my feet, and using this time to reinvent myself as a person. I won’t change much of myself, but I will improve upon what needs to be strengthened, and tone down what isn’t necessary. I don’t know why people think that others are incapable of change. You commit one sin, and suddenly the shadow of doubt is cast on everything you do or say. You hold your ground and refuse to put up with people’s nonsense, and suddenly you’re deemed quarrelsome. You stand up for someone else’s well-being and suddenly you’re ‘co-signing’ and the other person is seen as weak, insipid, and spineless.

I’m not perfect, nor do I even try to be or lead others to believe I think I am. I’m Aisha. That’s all there is to it. Sure I have an ego, just like everyone else, but I also have copious amounts of confidence in myself than most people feel comfortable with. I find that most people I come into contact with are either intimidated by me feelin’ myself, or are annoyed that they can’t boost themselves without the aid of others’ opinions. And you know what? That’s fine, but that’s been a problem I’ve had when it comes to people. I find that you can only be around people who are either like you, or have a very diverse group of friends in your inner circle. Too much of the same can be dull, and too many different people can cause confusion. This is why I need time away from everyone to recollect myself. I need to reaffirm my identity and…well, I need to just do me for a while.

So I’ll see you all on the other side. Well, some of you, anyway. :)

Post to Twitter Post to Facebook

[...::Discipline::...]

There comes a time in everyone’s life where they have to step back and look at their lives from an objective standpoint. I’ve been doing that the last few days. It’s occurred to me that some aspects of my personality are better left in the dark while others should be brought to light. This is not to say these aspects of my personality are bad, per se, I will never apologize for them, but I realize now that not everyone deserves to experience me in full. This especially pertains to my intimate relationships. I’ve made a decision to practice abstaining from sex until such a time comes when I meet someone who actually deserves to share in the limitless bounty of my gifts. I refuse to spend the coin of desire and love freely like some sacred courtesan of the world.

If he wants it, he’s going to have to prove that he’s the only one that deserves to have it and that I’m all that he wants. This is not to say that I believe that all men I meet are required to be perfect, but they must have a certain outline of core values and disciplines that make us compatible. I’m no longer interested in temporary gratification. If I have to wait for love, then I’ll do it without falling into various beds to satisfy the cravings in between. But I refuse to let my twenties consist of nothing but a series of failed six-month hook-ups and vapid, insubstantial relationships that revolve around self-aggrandizing partners, misogynistic men, catty women who use sex as a way to stay ‘ahead’, and all the other drama that being openly sexual brings into a relationship. I want something emotionally nurturing and spiritually fulfilling.

Love isn’t just sex, although that plays a significant role in it once the basis of trust, emotion, and spiritual pillars have been established. Abstinence isn’t just for virgins either. There are people who abstain from sex–like myself–who no longer find casual sex fulfilling, interesting, or even healthy. And as I said, there comes a point in everyone’s life where we have to look at things objectively and this is what I think is best for me in the long-run. By eliminating the distraction of sex from the list of available options, I’ll weed out the people who want only that, and keep the ones who have the potential to build something lasting.

Hope is a breath of fresh air. :)

Post to Twitter Post to Facebook

[...::The D'Angeline Solution::...]

Originally, this post was supposed to be a squishy self-introspective take on my love of life, and my love of Logan. But Logan and I broke up (I didn’t stop loving him, mind you, but what’s the point in gushing over someone who doesn’t want to be with you), and my life is in a weird place right now. I find myself caught always in a crossroads, constantly having pivotal moments that change me a little or change me a lot. Instead of speculating on my love and my life, however, I am going to do the long-postponed review of Jacueline Carey’s Terre D’Ange saga. For those who don’t know (and I’m often surprised at those who really don’t know), the Terre D’Ange saga is a group of books set in an alternate, Renaissance-era Earth, with Terre d’Ange (France) takes center stage. Now most of my references will be pulled either from the books themselves or Wikipedia to save you the trouble of Googling, because the world has simply gotten that lazy. We’ll begin with the first book in the series, entitled Kushiel’s Dart. It’s ironic that this book has become the most well-worn in my personal library, as the anecdote about how I came about it is quite funny.

I used to work in a library, and everyday after school, I would go there and while away the hours reading in the sci-fi/fantasy section. One of the books I kept breezing over was Kushiel’s Dart. It was a thick paperback with some so-so artwork on the cover, and I didn’t bother to read the description because I was that disinterested. It was only when I was reading book reviews two years later that I stumbled upon the description. Love? Prostitution? Epic adventures and political intrigue? All of this mixed with a heady dose of mythological fantasy? I decided to peep the first few chapters online, and from the opening paragraph I was snared. I immediately made the crusade to Borders to pick up a copy. By the time I was done, I was aching for the next book in the series, and thus began my long obsession with Terre d’Ange and all its licentious inhabitants.

(Continued)

Post to Twitter Post to Facebook

[...::You Say She's Just A Friend::...]

So recently, I broke up with my boyfriend. The relationship lasted all of a few months, but as soon as it ended, it didn’t take long for people waiting in the wings to come forward. I recently had a revelation. My last two boyfriends (this one included), both claim to have a woman/girl as their best friend. Now, I’m sure everyone knows about the entire Todd-Mayima fiasco of last year, in which Todd left me for his ‘best friend’, Mayima. I’m not sure how they’re doing, but the point is, I find that men who keep more female friends are either one of two things: gay or fucking them on the side. I went on a Twitter rampage about it:

Never date a man whose best friend is FEMALE. He’s either gay, or he’s fucking her on the side.

@petitely YUP @goddamazon its funny because they try so hard to defend their friendship then when you break up 3 weeks later they together.

@rawcash @goddamazon you must be the jealous type of girl.

@rawcash Jealous? Hardly. But what kind of man hangs around with one chick all the time and doesn’t think about fucking her? Get. Real.

What red-blooded straight male needs a straight SINGLE female as a best friend? That’s just not realistic. Either he’s gay, or fucking her. And it’s not a question of jealousy or insecurity, because the girlfriend can look BETTER than the best friend, but realistically, THAT girl will ALWAYS be checkin for your man. There is no such thing as a platonic relationship between a HetMale and HetWoman. He’s either going to catch feelings for her or want to fuck her, and she’s either going to catch feelings for him and not resist his advances. Meanwhile YOU, the girlfriend, are giving him the benefit of the doubt while they’re spending more time together than you do with him. And then when he suddenly up and “isn’t feeling you anymore”, she’s coming in for the kill. Next thing you know, they’re a goddamn couple. I’m speaking from experience because this has happened to me twice. Don’t trust him if he hangs out with more females than males. Men need to be surrounded by men for positive reinforcement. Sometimes both sexes need a break from one another. Same thing for women who keep dudes as best friends. They’re just backup dick in case her main boyfriend doesn’t pull through. If your man says he’s taking Mary Sue out to a concert, that’s not two best friends spending time 2gether. That’s him taking her on a DATE. But that’s just my opinion. Date who you want, but don’t ignore the warning signs.

It’s a common misconception that a woman who doesn’t trust her heterosexual boyfriend around single females that said female is insecure or jealous. This isn’t true in most cases. In most cases, the girlfriend could look better than woman on the side. It’s not a question of security or jealousy, it’s a question of trust. If a man I’m dating tells me about some girl he spends time with and claims that they are ‘just friends’, a little red flag goes up. I’ve hung out with men before. Usually, when they claim a woman is ‘just a friend’, it means they plan to fuck her, boo her up, or both. Either way, your relationship is in jeopardy once this woman enters the picture.

Now, in the man’s defense, it’s good to have a female friend to get a female perspective on situations on which men remain perpetually ignorant, but too much time spent with her almost always leads from one situation to another, and next thing you know, you’re left confused as to where the bitch came from. And men will almost always try and defend the friendship as strictly platonic. It’s almost always a lie. Either they’ve agreed to be friends with benefits, or he came out of the closet on her and you’re still in the dark. It just cannot work.

It’s almost unfortunate that platonic relationships between straight men and women almost always lead to a sexual or emotionally romantic relationship. I’ve never seen it done. It’s likely why there’s a rise of women with gay best friends trending right now.

Also, no one is as awesome as Mic. :3 <3

Post to Twitter Post to Facebook

[...::Why Chris Brown::...]

So the latest buzz on the black blogosphere is Chris Brown’s breakdown at the 2010 BET Awards about a week or so ago, and the question on everyone’s mind is: were his tears genuine? Now I recently got into a heated discussion on The Fresh XPress about this mainly because I’m surprised at the amount of people who say Chris Brown had a PR team planning that Michael Jackson tribute. Now for those who didn’t watch, I will link the video. Pause for reaction.

Now, readers, I know you can’t possibly believe that that emotional breakdown was staged. Whether or not he was mourning Michael Jackson (like you wouldn’t breakdown during ‘Man in the Mirror’, puh-leeze), or overly grateful at finally being able to do his MJ Tribute (he was banned last year, we all know why, I don’t need to recap), or if he himself could finally understand the power of the lyrics of that song and was redeeming himself in HIS eyes–none of this is our business. The fact of the matter is, Chris Brown has been apologetic for almost two years now, nor has he had a history of domestic violence in which he was the abuser prior to the Rihanna incident.

According to the official affidavit in fact, it seems she even instigated the physical altercation. Did she deserve to get her face beat in? No, of course not, no woman should get hit, but as a former domestic abuse victim myself, do I think she was stupid for not expecting something to happen to her if she kept pushing him to his breaking point? Yes. She isn’t a saint, and even though she was a victim of ONE incident of domestic violence, I hate that the media tries to paint her as this unblemished angel of purity and helplessness. The woman is West Indian. I don’t know a single West Indian woman that won’t stand up to a man, even if that man is 8 feet tall and built like an iron powerhouse. Coming from that mindset, Rihanna probably didn’t expect the physical altercation to go the way it did, and neither, I suspect, did Chris Brown himself. He was probably shocked after the initial adrenaline settled and the severity of the situation sank in, as he had worked so hard to distance himself from his own cycle of abuse from his childhood (why do you think his target demographic was teenaged girls? Helloooooo?).

This is likely why Rihanna forgave him quicker than we did. He lost control of himself, forgot who he was and what it would do to his image. And when he tried to apologize for it, the world turned its back on him…and I’m ashamed to say, so did I, but mostly because I didn’t bother thinking about the situation in full from both ends. All I saw was that photo of Rihanna’s face beaten to a pulp. Now, here’s my take on people who have never been in a domestic violence situation:

It isn’t always physical.

People immediately get the image of a frail woman, bruised and shivering, meek and weak when they think domestic violence. The image of her attacker is usually a beer-bellied, blue-collar scruffy man who came from a broken home. Most of the time the physical abuse is the least of the problems. It’s emotional and psychological as well. I know this for a fact, and it didn’t sink in until recently that my own experiences likely had a part to play in my swift and harsh judgment of Brown. Maybe Rihanna had been pushing him before this. Maybe she was running her mouth every time they got into an argument. Maybe he was gritting his teeth trying not to lose his temper. Maybe it was a push and pull relationship. Irrespective, the only people who know are Rihanna, Chris Brown, and God. It’s not our business to pry. Speculate, yes, but prying is for those who handle domestic disputes, not for a few self-proclaimed relationship experts who took one psychology course in college and suddenly they think they understand everyone’s mental processes.

Anyway, I digress. My point is, us judging Chris Brown is moot because whether or not he used the open wound of Michael Jackson’s tragic and untimely death as a platform to reassert himself in the entertainment industry has nothing to do with our opinion (I cried when he broke down during Man in the Mirror, it was that poignant). I wouldn’t say he is full-redeemed in the eyes of everyone, as Rihanna’s reaction to the entire ordeal with annoyance (this is what happens when you date fellow celebrities–once they become an ex, you’re going to see them every goddamn where), however, to his fans, he has long-since been overdue for forgiveness and in the world of entertainment, your fanbase is really all that matters as they are your bread and butter and moral support. Take Eminem for example, his latest single is weak in comparison to his entire body of work thus far, but it topped the charts nonetheless…why? Because he established a solid fanbase and demographic.

Some people fail to grasp that the entertainment business is just that: business. You need to establish a baseline of customers who support you no matter what. In any business that is the key to staying in business. Chris Brown doesn’t have a PR team that great…not after his blundering apologies last year, but he understands the nature of the hustle, and his fanbase had already been solidly established. This is why he reemergence into the public eye via Twitter and finally back to the stage is unsurprising to me. I forgive Chris Brown, even though I wasn’t a fan of anything but his Doublemint commercials. People are reaching for a reason to keep him ostracized from society in my opinion. Chris Brown is only being publicized for his domestic abuse incident because of his celebrity status. There are regular people who abuse their partners in far worse ways and are likely not being reported for it. Put things into perspective. You’re ostracizing Chris Brown for one case of domestic abuse, while crucifying people who want to keep Lil’ Wayne in jail. Priorities, people.

So go ahead, Chris Brown. You managed to scoop up your entire fanbase in one fell swoop. Let’s hope you can scrub away this black mark on your record and reestablish yourself as someone who doesn’t need to beg for followers on Twitter or be an asshole about your situation. It gets worse before it gets better.

Post to Twitter Post to Facebook